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About Greeblings


this message is to address some evident misconceptions and even ignorance concerning a scourge of modern times on our planet, namely the invasion of the greeblings. it is not your fault of you know little or if what little you know is totally wrong! as you will learn, the very constitution of these vile creatures makes them one of the most fiendish and difficult to know.

owners of kittens and cats will have had the most experience with greeblings, although even we will not have had any direct contact with them. believed to be the result of a phenomenal population explosion on a planet in the distant galaxy Andromeda (M31), the best current theory explains their arrival here on our planet with the hypothesis that a recent evolutionary "adjustment" has enabled the greebling to go many generations without the common constraints of life as we know it. thus, it is conjectured, have these creatures spread in ever-widening spheres originating at M31. we have finally been reached by the outermost ring of the journeying greeblings.

although they can do without food and water, and in fact can exist in intragenerational stasis as nothing more than energy, this is not to say that they prefer this. in fact the entire purpose of their outward expansion is to discover new planets to inhabit, where it is thought that they revivify in forms suitable to the conditions discovered.

these changes take place in times scales unfathomable to us - so it is safe to view greeblings as we know them now as more or less a constant presence, predating history, and, in all likeliehood, existing past its inevitable end.

at this point in the revivification of those greeblings who will eventually make earth their new home, the greebling might be mistaken for the delightfully naive and innocent children of any animal. their behaviour is not motivated by malice, or even concious thoughts as we know them. although it has been shown that they can and do communicate with each other and form close familial and mating bonds, the greeblings' pattern of life is marked by a stunning lack of complications of the kind humans take for granted.

at the current state of trans-evolution, a greebling has almost no mass. they vary in size from about 1 inch to about 17 feet across (!) at "physical" maturity. it is incorrect, however, to think of a greebling as really having a definite size or mass - a greebling is more like an electron probabilty cloud - it would be more accurate to think of them as giant probabilty "waves". so although in loose parlance we can speak of a greebling as "existing" at a "point" and having a "size", all we can strictly say is that there might be a greebling, over there somewhere, and god knows how big it is anyway.

greeblings spend most of their time engaged in a pleasant pastime known as gravity sliding. it has been suggested that this also provides sustenance. gravity sliding is a process of controlled falling. this accounts for the fact that greeblings are often "seen" dripping from the ceiling, where they cling tenaciously, so as to prolong the final descent through the gravity field of the earth. as they do this they emit an extremely high frequency "sound".

again i point out that no human has seen or heard a greebling. this is where the cats come in. for reasons we do not yet understand, cats can quite easily sense greeblings. experiments have ruled out any of their known senses, however marvelous they may be. some long term studies have been conducted. it is from these that we deduce everything we know about greeblings.

although the evidence is right in front of any cat owner, many continue to wonder about such things as a cat's fascination with a spot on the ceiling or a kitten's sudden urge to dash, at full speed, from room to room in an apparent attempt to catch nothing at all. these are certain indicators that the greeblings have chosen one's home to continuously drip from the ceilings and ooze up the walls. greeblings also seem to get some kind of nourishment from maintaining a proximity to a chosen human/cat family. an alternate explanation is that they seek only challenging gravity slides, or that they just like being "indoors". this is hard to accept, however, given that the greebling could easily exist in the dead of space or on the surface of the sun.

once a home or apartment building (the very favorite, given the opportunities to "slide" from floor to floor to floor) has been selected, it is, for all practical purposes, impossible to get rid of them. cats and even kittens can kill them at an astounding rate, but their reproductive powers seems to increase in direct proportions - they breed prodigiously, and do not seem to fear "death" at all. in fact, death for a greebling might actually be more like reincarnation. again, greeblings represent the most sophisticated trans-evolutionary species studied, so our profound lack of hard facts must be forgiven.

our inability to sense greeblings may be a blessing in disguise. studies have shown that cats enjoy playing with and killing these creatures, despite the fact that in death greeblings emit horrible "noises" and an unbelievably putred "odor". a cat or two per household is sufficient to balance the greeblings. in cat-free zones, the greeblings run amoc, the major effect of which seems to be a subtle but profound emotional malaise. they are not especially harmful physically, but in sufficient numbers they can cause annoying problems with household appliances, plumbing, electrical systems and computers.

earlier conjecture that affixed responsibility for dust bunnies on the greeblings has been rejected. also under concerted attack in controlled tests in several locations are the theories about the greebling's appetite for odd socks, and their habit of emitting something that closely resembles a wire coat hangar as a waste product. reports indicate that all the cats involved in this research are extremely well treated and return each night to normal loving homes for rest and recuperation.

this is most of what we know. there is every reason to believe that parallel research conducted by agencies of various world governments have information far beyond what is generally known. as usual, it can be assumed that this activity is motivated by a desire to harnass the powers of the greeblings in some sort of weapon. sadly, it is thought that many cats are conscripted by the government for this work. given the nastiness of the greeblings and the almost symbiotic relationship they have with cats, this research may blow up in the faces of those conducting it.

selected bibliography:

"Greeblings: Fact or Fiction?", Armand Dertouzos et. al.
American Journal of Concordant Biology, Decemeber 1954 pp. 108-128

"Sensory Symbiosis", Felix & Maria Hardenburger
Animal Research Theory and Practice, August 1972 pp. 65-82

"Greeblings, UFOs and the CIA", Reginald Periwinkle
Mother Jones, July-August 1983 pp. 47-55 & 88-90

"Trans-evolutionary Niches in Zero Gravity", Preston Willcox
NASA Technical Report NTR-021-396-10294 August 1969

"Felines and Greeblings: Common Ancestory?", J. Carroll Hightower
Doctoral Thesis, Yale School of Zoology, Spring 1996

"Living with the Greeblings", Steven Urkel
Zen Technocrat, September 1991

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