greetings.
this message is to address some evident misconceptions and even
ignorance concerning a scourge of modern times on our planet,
namely the invasion of the greeblings. it is not your fault of you
know little or if what little you know is totally wrong! as you
will learn, the very constitution of these vile creatures makes
them one of the most fiendish and difficult to know.
owners of kittens and cats will have had the most experience with
greeblings, although even we will not have had any direct contact
with them. believed to be the result of a phenomenal population
explosion on a planet in the distant galaxy Andromeda (M31), the
best current theory explains their arrival here on our planet with
the hypothesis that a recent evolutionary "adjustment" has enabled
the greebling to go many generations without the common constraints
of life as we know it. thus, it is conjectured, have these
creatures spread in ever-widening spheres originating at M31. we
have finally been reached by the outermost ring of the journeying
greeblings.
although they can do without food and water, and in fact can exist
in intragenerational stasis as nothing more than energy, this is
not to say that they prefer this. in fact the entire purpose of
their outward expansion is to discover new planets to inhabit,
where it is thought that they revivify in forms suitable to the
conditions discovered.
these changes take place in times scales unfathomable to us - so it
is safe to view greeblings as we know them now as more or less a
constant presence, predating history, and, in all likeliehood,
existing past its inevitable end.
at this point in the revivification of those greeblings who will
eventually make earth their new home, the greebling might be
mistaken for the delightfully naive and innocent children of any
animal. their behaviour is not motivated by malice, or even
concious thoughts as we know them. although it has been shown that
they can and do communicate with each other and form close familial
and mating bonds, the greeblings' pattern of life is marked by a
stunning lack of complications of the kind humans take for granted.
at the current state of trans-evolution, a greebling has almost no
mass. they vary in size from about 1 inch to about 17 feet across
(!) at "physical" maturity. it is incorrect, however, to think of a
greebling as really having a definite size or mass - a greebling is
more like an electron probabilty cloud - it would be more accurate
to think of them as giant probabilty "waves". so although in loose
parlance we can speak of a greebling as "existing" at a "point" and
having a "size", all we can strictly say is that there might be a
greebling, over there somewhere, and god knows how big it is
anyway.
greeblings spend most of their time engaged in a pleasant pastime
known as gravity sliding. it has been suggested that this also
provides sustenance. gravity sliding is a process of controlled
falling. this accounts for the fact that greeblings are often
"seen" dripping from the ceiling, where they cling tenaciously, so
as to prolong the final descent through the gravity field of the
earth. as they do this they emit an extremely high frequency
"sound".
again i point out that no human has seen or heard a greebling. this
is where the cats come in. for reasons we do not yet understand,
cats can quite easily sense greeblings. experiments have ruled out
any of their known senses, however marvelous they may be. some long
term studies have been conducted. it is from these that we deduce
everything we know about greeblings.
although the evidence is right in front of any cat owner, many
continue to wonder about such things as a cat's fascination with a
spot on the ceiling or a kitten's sudden urge to dash, at full
speed, from room to room in an apparent attempt to catch nothing at
all. these are certain indicators that the greeblings have chosen
one's home to continuously drip from the ceilings and ooze up the
walls. greeblings also seem to get some kind of nourishment from
maintaining a proximity to a chosen human/cat family. an alternate
explanation is that they seek only challenging gravity slides, or
that they just like being "indoors". this is hard to accept,
however, given that the greebling could easily exist in the dead of
space or on the surface of the sun.
once a home or apartment building (the very favorite, given the
opportunities to "slide" from floor to floor to floor) has been
selected, it is, for all practical purposes, impossible to get rid
of them. cats and even kittens can kill them at an astounding rate,
but their reproductive powers seems to increase in direct
proportions - they breed prodigiously, and do not seem to fear
"death" at all. in fact, death for a greebling might actually be
more like reincarnation. again, greeblings represent the most
sophisticated trans-evolutionary species studied, so our profound
lack of hard facts must be forgiven.
our inability to sense greeblings may be a blessing in disguise.
studies have shown that cats enjoy playing with and killing these
creatures, despite the fact that in death greeblings emit horrible
"noises" and an unbelievably putred "odor". a cat or two per
household is sufficient to balance the greeblings. in cat-free
zones, the greeblings run amoc, the major effect of which seems to
be a subtle but profound emotional malaise. they are not especially
harmful physically, but in sufficient numbers they can cause
annoying problems with household appliances, plumbing, electrical
systems and computers.
earlier conjecture that affixed responsibility for dust bunnies on
the greeblings has been rejected. also under concerted attack in
controlled tests in several locations are the theories about the
greebling's appetite for odd socks, and their habit of emitting
something that closely resembles a wire coat hangar as a waste
product. reports indicate that all the cats involved in this
research are extremely well treated and return each night to normal
loving homes for rest and recuperation.
this is most of what we know. there is every reason to believe that
parallel research conducted by agencies of various world
governments have information far beyond what is generally known. as
usual, it can be assumed that this activity is motivated by a
desire to harnass the powers of the greeblings in some sort of
weapon. sadly, it is thought that many cats are conscripted by the
government for this work. given the nastiness of the greeblings and
the almost symbiotic relationship they have with cats, this
research may blow up in the faces of those conducting it.
selected bibliography:
"Greeblings: Fact or Fiction?", Armand Dertouzos et. al.
American Journal of Concordant Biology, Decemeber 1954 pp. 108-128
"Sensory Symbiosis", Felix & Maria Hardenburger
Animal Research Theory and Practice, August 1972 pp. 65-82
"Greeblings, UFOs and the CIA", Reginald Periwinkle
Mother Jones, July-August 1983 pp. 47-55 & 88-90
"Trans-evolutionary Niches in Zero Gravity", Preston Willcox
NASA Technical Report NTR-021-396-10294 August 1969
"Felines and Greeblings: Common Ancestory?", J. Carroll Hightower
Doctoral Thesis, Yale School of Zoology, Spring 1996
"Living with the Greeblings", Steven Urkel
Zen Technocrat, September 1991