october 15, 1998 Where to start? Okay, my aches and pains. That's always a good way to start any day. *VBG*

Well, remember my trip up the bank to try to get Missy? I did something to my left foot and it really hurts to walk on it. Great. And we're going to Disneyland tomorrow? Maybe it will do better with a shoe on it. And my ear. Oh, yeah, my left ear. Tuesday night, when I went to check on Missy, I brought catnip and a toy mouse. She was in her usual spot, under the bed. I got her to come out to see me and I brushed her. Then I gave her a little of the catnip, which she really likes. I was on the floor with her and I put my head down to give her a headbutt. I think the clip in my hair scared her and she hauled off and smacked me. Hard. On my ear. Which started bleeding. And it hurt. I could understand how DeeJay gave Brian the black eye. I noticed last night that one of the scratches had a little discharge, so I put peroxide on it. Poor Missy. She was so scared. I think mom's dog is one of the cat's problems.

Yesterday was a good day. Kind of. Some of it sucked. I had to put money into the bank from our home equity loan, so we could pay one of our suppliers. Well, actually, to cover the check I sent them the day before. Now, this really irritates me, having to do this, because people owe us over seventy thousand dollars. Eight thousand is from last April. Ten thousand is from last July. And we don't have any extra. When I went to fill out the equity check, I had none. I never re-ordered any. My laziness paid off. I called the bank, they have some stupid system now, where I don't call *my* bank, but some big office. The phone rang for five minutes, at least. I hung up and called again. It didn't ring so long this time, but I was on hold, waiting for the *next available representative*. I held for about fifteen minutes before someone came on the line. I asked about transferring funds and she said that it's a time consuming process. I think, well, heck, I've been on hold this long, what's a little more time? I asked her how long and she said two weeks. *sigh* So, I had to go to the bank after all, I had to go inside. And before Brian went to work, he asked me to take the pool vacuum in, because the parts are pretty much worn down on the bottom and it doesn't work. I got all of my running around done, then back home to watch the remainder of the Padre game. When Brian came home, he asked why I sent the bank the check for the supplier. I didn't. I sent it to the supplier. And he got this stupid, stupid, extremely annoying smile on his face like I was the dumbest person in the world. He didn't believe me. And I got really mad. Not at the mix up, but at that smirk on his face. It really bothered me. I told him what I had done, where I got the address and no way did I write the banks address in the spaces on the check. "Then how did the bank get the check?" Hell, I don't know. I DO know that I didn't mail it to the bank. He still had that smile on his face. I threw the checkbook (a business checkbook, a big checkbook) into the air and told him to leave me alone, just get out of my sight. I couldn't stand that smirk. He left, drove to his shop, listened to the message from the bank again. While he was gone, I was looking at a check and realized what had happened. The checks are imprinted with the bank's address at the bottom, under the payee information. The check must have slipped up inside the envelope and in the window, where the address is, was the bank's address. And that's where the post office sent it. I should have stapled the damn thing at the side so it wouldn't slip. I don't even work at the post office and I was going postal. But hubby was much nicer when he came home. He even fixed dinner. I have to send another check to the supplier today and contact our bank. I dread calling that stupid bank. Early this morning, I woke up and decided that I've had it with them. Not because of the check, but because of their customer service setup. I hate it. We'll have a different bank by the end of the year.

I had ordered an a/c power adaptor for the catcam. The power had been supplied through a connection to the keyboard. I still had the extension from months ago, which when I hooked it up, the keyboard wasn't found. I figured there was something wrong with that, so I had ordered another one. Then I noticed the adaptor that was available and ordered that a couple of hours layer. I really wanted to move the chair and the camera from where it was currently. I had to close the blinds in the afternoon because the sun was shining on the chair and the camera couldn't handle the brightness. And I also had to close the window, because the breeze blew the blinds and sun streaks got onto the chair. Well, the extension was on backorder, would be sent in two to three weeks. The adaptor was also on backorder, but should have been here by next week. It showed up yesterday. I tested it and everything worked. So, I called and cancelled the new extension, since there wasn't anything wrong with the old one. And I repositioned the chair and the camera. That was one nice thing that hubby said when he got home. How much better the office looked with everything changed around. It sure seems bigger. And the little cards I made up are even readable.

I also made a graphic to show up on the catcam page when I'm offline. Now I can put all of my stuffed animals and troll dolls away. That will give us even more space in the office.

Boney was limping alot yesterday afternoon. He had been fine earlier and was much better last night. I checked him out and he wasn't tender anywhere, so I don't know what it was. Maybe it had just fallen asleep like people's do.

Gosh, it's almost cold this morning. Now, this will be great weather for Disneyland. Clouds are actually coming in from the ocean. Wow. Last night's weather report said it's supposed to start warming up again. I won't mind if it waits until next week. Good sleepin' weather. And the cats spend more time indoors, too. Of course, they'll be in all weekend, til we get home Sunday, anyway. I sure hate being away from them. But they'll be okay. My neighbor will be coming to check on them and my mom will, too. And I'm sure getting away for a while will help me out a little. I really need an attitude adjustment. I've been so darn busy these past couple of months. Gee, somewhere along the line, I got a life. Time flies by as it is without being busy. It goes much too quickly now. I liked it when all I had to do was clean the litter and feed the animals. LOL!!

Well, gotta get going with the laundry. I like to have everything cleaned so that when we get home, it's not a big mess.

october 19, 1998 Well, we got back yesterday afternoon and the first thing I did was turn on the catcam. *grins* Oh, and checked my mail. I'm sure we had a better time away from home than our Padres are having.

The cats were all glad to see us, as were the dogs. Lonee and Red, who both were very unsure of us the last time we left for a couple of nights, weren't nearly so nervous about us yesterday. I was scratching Lonee's back last night and Red was giving me headbutts. When we opened up the house, the cats immediately ran out. Every one except Bobby. And they all took nice long dirt baths. Lisa, Bart and Georgie no longer had any white on them, but a dark beige. When we went to bed, Gracie and Lisa ran up onto the bed, Annie jumped onto her pillow. I sure missed the cats while we were gone.

We did get to ride the Rocket Rods Friday night. I wasn't all that impressed. I liked the People Mover better. I did overhear some employees saying that the reason the ride wasn't running was that it was too fast, so they had to reprogram it. As it is now, it reminded me of Southern California traffic. Go real fast, slow down suddenly. The submarines are no longer in action, but they are still in the water. I wonder if they know what they will do in their place. Sunday morning, we decided that we wanted to go home, and getting home by noon was a thought. I wanted to get a golf hat for my uncle Tommy and we went to Disneyland for a pastry and a coffee, then to do a little shopping, then come home. We got our pastries (Brian always gets sticky, messy ones, I like the cinnamon twists, they have powdered sugar on them, but they aren't sticky) and sat on the bench on Main Street, on the porch between the shops. We watched people and Brian said "let's try to figure out who is going to have a good day and who isn't". I can't believe the people that are already angry with their children, when they are just walking into the park. It's just amazing. And then you have the adults that are smiling and laughing, heck, we even saw a couple of them skipping. Now, those people are going to have a great time. And the old ladies that aren't in any big hurry, already window shopping. I bet they had a good time. But, I don't think the families with one of the adults with that look of determination on the face, so early, are going to have a good time. Geez, they make a day at Disneyland look like a job, not an adventure. Saturday, while we waited in line for Pirates, the little girl in front of me was having a birthday. She decided that Pirates was too scary. Her mom and I think her aunt were just disgusted with her because she does this alot. Doesn't want to go on rides, but once she starts, they can't get her to stop. One of the women said that her 40th birthday was just terrible. I said, well, if I wake up on my birthday, then it's gonna be a good one. Especially when you consider your only other option. Every day, for me, is a good one, if I start it alive. Sometimes, though, I seem to forget that. It's nice to be reminded.

Friday night I was up every hour to use the bathroom. Well, at least I wasn't all puffy on Saturday morning. *grins* It's so hard for me to sleep well away from home. I don't know if it's the fact that we aren't in our own bed or the fact that I don't have the cats around me. I had a great night's sleep last night. Even with Rusty trying to lay on my face. I sure love these guys. Right now, Maggie is sleeping on the newspaper that I have spread out on my desk, Pepper is in the catcam chair, Rusty is on the scanner, Lucky is by my feet and Mickey is eating. It's so nice to be loved!!

I was anxious to see OC and Angus last night. They didn't seem to show up until later than I was use to seeing them. But they did show up. I did notice that only one can of Fancy Feast was gone, so I don't know if they were fed Friday night. I had everything written down, made three copies as a matter of fact. I had three different people taking care of them. One of my neighbor's fed them Friday and Saturday morning, my mom fed them Saturday night and Sunday morning. And Gail, the woman who moved, came and visited with them all three days. And she did a head count, to make sure all of them were doing okay. And even Buddy wasn't a problem for our neighbor that he barks at all of the time. We left instructions for Bud to be put in the shop at night, because of his barking. Friday night, she called all of the dogs over and Buddy wouldn't go. Then, the twits behind her house started setting off firecrackers. She said Buddy hightailed it over to her, ran into the shop, saying "thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for having this door open, I'll be fine, now", and he ran into his quiet spot. He certainly hates loud noises.

Before we left Brian talked to many of the people that owe us money. He was told that we would have it last week. Imagine our disappointment to only have received one check in the mail, for $293 when the company owes us thousands. And the past due from last April was a no show. *sigh* This is the worst part about self employment.

We did get some papers from the loan company and at 7% interest, over 30 years (I think he said) the interest was $140,000. On less than $100,000. Brian is now rethinking buying that property. Because, on top of the loan payment from the mortgage company, we also have to pay the guy that's selling the property. One hundred thousand down (which is what we are trying to borrow) and the rest we'll make payments to the current owner. So, the property that costs $200,000 will end up costing almost a half a million. That's outside of my scope of imagination.

And boy, what timing for the Halloween Postcards. I had the three that just wouldn't work and MyPostcards wasn't answering email. Helmut, from Webby.com finally was able to get them up and running. I was really excited when they worked on Friday morning. Except one didn't. We emailed back and forth, got it going. This was a big relief to me, since the contest started Sunday, and we weren't here. On top of that, Thursday night, my Netscape crashed. I could get email and the catcam was functioning, but I couldn't get the browser to find anything. So, I uninstalled Netscape and reloaded it. It still didn't work, because some Netscape files didn't get removed. So I went to my find function, looked for all Netscape files and deleted them all. Re-installed the version of Netscape that I had on my other drive, the downloaded file. It was an old one and the java didn't work properly. I went over to Netscape.com and downloaded the latest version of Netscape and over an hour and a half later, set it up. I was back in business. One of the old files that was in the trash bin was my bookmarks. I just restored that. I also had to reinstall some of the plug ins, like Crescendo and the filter for the newsgroups, but now things are once again running smoothly. I was also able to get rid of the files that still had Worldnet on them. Hiss spit on Worldnet.

And now, back to my real life.

october 21, 1998 Today's entry is going to be one of the hardest I've had to make. Last night, when we got the cats in, we noticed that Sandy, who had been fine all day, jumping and playing with Junior, standing on the bank barking yesterday morning, eating her biscuits with relish, was laying on the grass and her breathing wasn't right. It was labored and her eyes didn't look good. This was about six o'clock and I called the vet. They recently changed their hours and are now open til seven. Gwen, when I had described Sandy's symptoms, asked how far away we were and I told her five minutes. She said to bring Sandy in. We got her leashed up and Brian got her into the back of the truck and he sat with her. When we got to the vet's office, there were two rotties ahead of us, one in really bad shape and a younger one with a bad leg. The older one was heavy and had a bandage wrapped around one of her legs. Someone said that she had cancer. I felt sorry for her, knowing that she probably didn't have long to live. We watched the World Series on the tv in the waiting room, chatting with the people sitting there. Mew (Hugh or Pew, depending on who you are talking to) came running up and jumped in my lap. I petted him for a while, then he went over to Brian's lap, where he stayed until we were called into the examining room. Sandy's weight was taken and she had lost about seven pounds since our last trip, a couple of months ago.

Dr. Judy listened to her heart and her lungs, looked in her mouth, and pushed on her abdomen. He asked us if she had been coughing or anything like that, any other signs that were out of the ordinary. Our answer was no, she had been acting normal. Except for the sudden labored breathing. He said that every thing looked good and her heart sounded good, steady, but his preliminary diagnoses was a problem with her spleen. He said that didn't explain the breathing, but would explain her obvious discomfort. He said this was treatable. He said the only way to make sure was to take x-rays. Sandy had to be helped to her feet and they took her into the back. They brought her back in and she didn't want to sit or lay down, she just stood there. Then she tried to get under the doctor's desk and finally, she did lay down again. Elena put the x-rays in the office, not looking at us. A few minutes later the doctor came back in. He said it didn't look good for Sandy. He put the x-ray up on the viewer and showed us her lungs. She had cancer. He said most likely, she had a tumor somewhere that spread, metastastical cancer he called what her lungs had, some doctors called it snowflake cancer, because there was so much of it. He pointed out a very small dark spot to us, amidst all of the whiteness on the x-ray of her lungs and said this is what you would see in healthly lungs, they would be all dark like this one spot. He said that her lung capacity was down to 25% and it was getting harder for her to take a breath. He said that even with medication, she probably had, at most, a week left with us, and that she wouldn't be comfortable, she would get a little worse each day, til she could no longer breathe. He said that if there was any way to treat what she had, he wouldn't hesitate to offer the options, but he said there was nothing that could be done. She was too far along to be helped.

We made the decision to have her put to sleep. As the doctor injected her, Brian gently took her collar off of her. We both got on the floor and said our goodbyes to her. Oh, God, it was so hard. It IS so hard. The doctor came back in and listened to her heart and said she was gone. He said that these little twitches she was having were normal, that it's something that happens after death. He discussed our options for her disposal and said that we could call today to let him know.

On the way home, we decided to have her cremated. Brian said there was no place to bury her in our yard, because she was such a big dog. He said that one of his cousins was married to a woman who's father was a vet and that the dead animals were taken to the dump once a week and put in a place for animals. Brian didn't want that for our Sandy girl, and neither did I. We decided to have her cremated. I wanted the ashes, but Brian was at first reluctant. I think he imagined some kind of little shrine set up to her, but I told him that I would like to scatter them in her backyard, where she lived her life. He said okay. We are going to find a good picture of her and have it blown up to poster size and put it in a spot of honor. Brian mentioned that the cats knew something was wrong when we came in and they spent much time with us. I'm so worried about Junior, though, Sandy was his best friend and I know he's going to miss her so much. Both dogs sniffed me when I got home. We talked about when we get another dog (and we will get another dog) and that we don't want a big dog and we will train the next one to go swimming with us. And we talked about how the 20th is a bad day for us, Hollywood went to the bridge on December 20th and Brian's father (who is not doing well at all) went into the hospital on December 20th and now Sandy went to the bridge on October 20th. Brian said it won't be too long before we hate the 20th.

I posted on a couple of bulletin boards, about what had happened and I go so much support for my grief. I was given some beautiful poems, which I will put up on a tribute page to my Sandy girl. No more Sandy, Sandy, bo bandy, as I use to say to her.

Sandy
Spring 1986 to October 20, 1998

Lend me a Pup

I will lend to you for awhile
a puppy, God said,
For you to love him while he lives
and to mourn for him when he is gone.
Maybe for twelve or fourteen years,
or maybe for two or three
But will you, till I call him back
take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and (should his stay be brief)
you'll always have his memories
as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise that he will stay,
since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught below
I want this pup to learn.

I've looked the whole world over
in search of teachers true
And from the folk that crowd life's land
I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love
Nor think the labour vain
Nor hate me when I come to take my pup back again.

I fancied that I heard them say
"Dear Lord Thy Will Be Done,"
For all the joys this pup will bring,
the risk of grief you'll run
. Will you shelter him with tenderness
Will you love him while you may
And for the happiness you'll know forever grateful stay.

But should I call him back
much sooner than you've planned
Please brave the bitter grief that comes
and try to understand.
If, by your love, you've managed
my wishes to achieve,
In memory of him that you've loved,
cherish every moment with your faithful bundle,
and know he loved you too.

*tears*

lisaviolet is fifty something, married with no kids, takes care of lots of cats, likes taking photographs, loves Southern California weather and spends altogether too much time avoiding her responsibilities.

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